SueBear Sews And Flows

This is post is going to start on a fairly muted note but will end on a high note. I'm turning 34 this week and I'm having some anxiety about it. I've never been one to dread turning older. Usually, I've been excited to get older because it meant I could begin to do things that felt exciting or rewarding. This year feels different. Frankly, this year feels like an afterthought. Some plans for my birthday fell through a couple weeks ago. I have some vague plans to go out to eat with my husband and a friend, but that's about it. I'm pleased to have a night out, but I'm not jazzed. I'm just feeling blah and unsurprised by it and I'm ready to just be 34 already. Ok. I've admitted to some feelings of disappointment and pettiness. I have them. I acknowledge them. And I'm moving on. I do have some exciting news- I completed my community service hours and I have my Yogafit Level I certificate! I actually got it right at the end of June. Although ...

Designed by Piet Oudolf. Pic credit: Design Indaba  Sometimes, I just need a moment to dream. So here's a pretty picture of what I hope to someday create in a garden of my own.

I have been thinking quite a bit about worry lately. I have always been an anxious person and there are few times in my life I recall that weren't overshadowed by a worry I was experiencing. In my time here, I've tried prayer, antidepressants, therapy, and meditation to combat the anxiety that worry creates. To an extent, all of these methods have worked, but meditation has been my biggest relief. I credit ongoing therapy and my short time on antidepressants with creating the base building blocks of good mental health, but they weren't able to fully conquer and address the immediacy of panic attacks. Meditation and the breathing that informs and enhances a meditation practice has created so much mental and emotional space for me. (I will say here that I consider prayer to be a form of directed meditation.) Like many things in life, worry is a habit. I had carved a very deep metaphorical groove in my brain where worry lived. If I solved one reason to worry, without c...

I won't start by saying life lately has been crazy. Because honestly, some part of my life swings out to the hinterland just as soon as I manage to corral this little bit over here. Suffice to say, my life is in a perpetual state of "wait, what?" I am someone that sets a high value on nights in. I prefer to watch down our DVR with my husband over heading out to a social event. Clearly, I am an introvert. I have begun to recognize how valuable the time I spend with friends is for my mental health. If I've had a chat or seen one of them for lunch, I always reflect that I had a good week. I'm building this all up to say I've spend a lot of time recently in the company of others and, like a slightly ill-fitting shirt, I've been uncomfortable and tired of the adjusting. And my attitude and tone of voice to those I most care about has not been gentle. I'm feeling overwhelmed for both uplifting and distressing reasons and I haven't felt I...